Sex, Lies and Money

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I have been thinking about the issues of sexual predatory behaviors, in work places and abusive marriages, and how it relates to our beliefs around money.  Sexual abuse has the ability to keep us captive in a bad circumstance because we choose to believe that the person abusing us is the main source of our money flow.  We take a job, find out the boss wants sexual favors and we stay because we believe that this job is the best (or only) job we can get.  We believe that if we let go of the job, or the spouse, we will be destitute and on the streets.

Why do we choose to believe this?

I believe there are several factors.  First off, we don’t believe in our inherent worthiness.  We have been given messages, subtle and not so subtle, our entire lives that we should act small because we are small.  For the record, this is a FLAT OUT LIE.

Another reason: we haven’t learned that we are the source of our own abundance.

We haven’t had enough practice actively and consciously creating our own experiences. We haven’t realized that everything that shows up in our life, good or bad, comes from the thoughts we choose to believe and act on (based on the things we came here to learn but that’s another post).  It’s that simple.

And, that hard.  Changing our beliefs requires looking at our life from a different perspective and then continuing to chose that perspective throughout each day even though our brain wants to insert the habitual beliefs that we have been thinking our whole lives. We have to practice the new thought, over and over, just like we would practice learning a new language, by speaking it over and over, even though we are butchering it to death when we first start out.

We learn a new language of self-love.

And we need to ask ourselves, ‘Why do I want to believe that old thought?  What am I gaining from that way of thinking?”.  Many times, we can’t answer these questions because we don’t know why.  We don’t realize that we picked up the belief that “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” because our grandmother used to say that to us when we were little.  We have lots of these unconscious beliefs floating around in our brain and we act them out every day in our lives, even when they aren’t working for us.

I invite you into the realm of conscious creation, my dear friends.  I invite you to figure out the beliefs that are keeping you stuck in situations that you wish you weren’t in.  And then, I invite you to create new beliefs and habits that create the beautiful life you came here to experience.  If you’d like help with that, shoot me an email at kimberly@kimberlycoaches.com.  This is something I’m getting really good at and I’d love to share my tricks with you.

In love and light,

Kimberly

For Real, For Real

Today started off amazing.  I meditated for awhile with my feet on the ground in my backyard, which I do every morning (until it gets too cold!).  I then packed up my stuff and headed to one of my favorite coffee shops in St Louis/Maplewood called The Living Room.  Awesome heart latte and super yummy breakfast.  Life as my own boss can be super fun. 🙂

I brought one of my old journals with me ’cause I like to look back over them every once in awhile to see how far I’ve come and what I still need to work on.   I found this gem in there from a coaching retreat I attended about four years ago:

Journal entry 2013ish

Hopefully, you can read my messy cursive.  Can you relate to any of those?

SO much pain in there.  Sometimes it’s hard to really admit your true experiences to yourself, to see your own anguish in blue and white on the page.

And, even more so, to admit them to others, like I have done in my own sessions with a coach.  Or here, as I promised myself I would do, as I started posting again.  Like for real, for real.

I’m happy to say, I have released most of the ideas I wrote about that day.  Over time, I was able to see where these beliefs came from and to realize that many of them weren’t even mine.  They were the beliefs of family members, friends and even societal expectations that I had picked up over time and chose to hang on to.  This is a practice that is more common than you would think, and most of us have these types of beliefs living in our subconscious, sabotaging us every day.  You have to be willing to dig around a bit.

The few beliefs that were mine came from trauma I experienced in childhood.  And, unfortunately, I’m finding that many of us have this, too.  These beliefs take a bit longer to heal but there isn’t any more important work you could do.

It takes courage to step up to the plate and take a hard look at the programs running our lives.  Believe me, I’ve had to dig deep and source courage over and over again.

So why bother, you might ask?

Because it feels SO good when you finally drop a limiting belief. SO. INCREDIBLY. GOOD.

Because freedom is one of my core values and you can’t truly be free when you’re holding yourself prisoner.

Because getting the junk out of your emotional body makes room for amazing stuff to come in, stuff like quitting soul sucking jobs and working from coffee shops doing what you love instead.  😉

Working your courage muscle pays off in more ways than you can imagine.  I promise to keep showing up with examples of what that looks like.

And I would love to hear some ways you are finding courage in your own life.  Together we can learn from each other, so please share in the comments below. ❤

In love and light,

Kimberly xo

 

 

 

Your Most Badass Friend

People talk a lot about how we need to love ourselves more and how self-esteem is one of the most important things to develop but I’ve never heard anyone talk about the real reason why it’s so hard to do that.  The truth is, in order to love yourself, you first have to like yourself and most people aren’t living in a way that allows them to do that.

Let’s take a step back for a moment and think about the traits you admire in your most badass friend.  If you don’t have one of those, think of someone you think is super cool and make a list of all the qualities that you most admire about them.  For me, that list would include: generous, honest, fearless, kind, shows up even when things get tough, fun to be with, brings out the best in others, lives her passion, expresses her true self freely and I could go on, but this is a great start.

Now, I want you to think about if any of these traits that you so admire about your friend could be said about yourself.  To use my list, I would ask myself: Am I generous, honest and fearless? Do I bring out the best in others? Am I living my passion? etc.

If the answer is no to any of those questions, I know I’m not living in a way that makes me want to look myself in the eyes in the mirror.  I admire those traits because those are things I truly value.  And if I get real with myself, the no answers tell me where I’m not living up to my values.

You hear the phrase, ‘Speaking truth to power’ thrown around a lot right now in the media, but I’m more interested in speaking truth to ourselves.  We hold the power to shape our own worlds but most of us distract ourselves from this fact so that we don’t have to do the things that would help us become our most authentic self.  I know because that was me.  But I grew tired of making excuses.  I wanted to be the person I knew was inside me, the one wanting to be all those things, the one to receive self-love and self-respect.

I encourage you to be honest with yourself.  What would you have to do to earn your own respect?  What traits would you need to develop in order to be your own badass best friend?

That’s the blueprint for your best life.

And if you need someone to help you get there, I’m your girl.  I’ve walked that path.  Just give me a shout in the coaching tab.

In love and light,

Kimberly xo

Boundaries

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One of the big topics I touched on a few posts ago is letting go of toxic people.  This is a subject that I see come up over & over again and one that, unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with.

Having toxic people in your life can be one of the biggest drains to your life force energy that is possible, whether it’s a family member, friend, boss or co-worker.  As long as you are engaging with people who don’t respect you or treat you with love & kindness, you will be emotionally exhausted.

The first step is to recognize & accept that you have this dynamic working in your life. Some people know exactly who these toxic people are but some of us haven’t fully named it as such because we make excuses for them or keep giving others the benefit of the doubt or ‘second’ chances.

The best way to know is to check in with how you feel after you have interacted with the person in question.  Do you feel happy & light or do you feel like a grey sludge has just been poured over your entire body?  Other feeling clues: you’re anxious, fidgety, agitated, queasy in your stomach, you feel like a boulder is sitting on your chest or your throat feels closed off and clamped shut.

Toxic people get a charge off of others they attack so you could also feel drained or wiped out.  That’s because they literally just sucked your energy out and took it for themselves.

Your energy belongs to you.  You cannot afford to allow this exchange because over the long run, having less life force energy wreaks havoc on your physical & emotional health.

So, you have to set up BOUNDARIES.  Most women are not good at this because we aren’t ever taught how to do it.  Not only that, we’re taught that if we do, we’re a bitch.  We get these messages on so many levels that it can feel completely overwhelming to even know where to start.  But make no mistake, this is an essential learned skill, just like learning to drive or how to feed yourself.  It is not only OK to put up boundaries, it is your right.

It takes practice & determination and, step by step, it gets easier.  Eventually, after you’ve done it enough times, you start to see clearly when new situations arise whether stronger boundaries are required.  You set them up at the start and find that you rarely have big situations to deal with anymore.  Life gets easier and you have more energy to do the things you want to do.

I know putting up boundaries can be really hard which is why I’m offering my assistance if you find yourself in a place where you need to extricate yourself from one or more toxic relationships. I am debuting a new coaching model that will give you access to me any time of the day or evening in the moment you need help.  You can buy a monthly package that allows you to call anytime for support & clarity until you feel like you are through to the other side of your situation.  Go to my coaching tab to learn more.

As we put better boundaries in place, we find that less draining people show up and more empowering people come in to fill the void.  In order for this to happen, though, you have to make the decision that you deserve to be treated with respect and you have to hold firm when others test that decision.  Doing this work will empower you in a way that will improve every area of your life.  It can be messy but so very worth it!!!

In love and light,

Kimberly xo

Wonky Eyes

Health is a funny thing.  For most of us, when we’re young and strong, it’s not something we think about much at all, save for the occasional virus, sports injury or hangover. The middle years bring pregnancies for some of us and that entails some of the most intrusive ‘healthing’ you can go through, as a doctor is up in your intimate business on a monthly, then weekly basis.  You surrender to the intrusion for the sake of the dear one growing inside you.

After going through this process five times, I found that my health changed dramatically. That and the culmination of years of bad habits coming back to bite me in the ass.  My body reached a tipping point of enough is enough from which I have never come back.  For many years, I operated from the idea that someday, if I do everything just right, I will recover the health I used to have.  In other words, the kind of health where I don’t have to think about being healthy every minute of the day.  Now, I’ve realized in these last few months, that’s not going to happen,

I am sinking into the surrender of what is.  This, right now, is my ‘good’ health. Today, with all my my aches and limitations around food and wobbly energy is my ground zero, my starting point, my reality.

Don’t get me wrong, surrender doesn’t mean I’m going to lay off all the diligent good habits I’ve adhered to throughout the last decade and a half.  No, quite the contrary.  Those efforts have kept me a high functioning sick person for years.  Those efforts have kept me from going full blown MS or Lou Gehrigs or whatever autoimmune issue I would have fallen into.  So that will remain the same.

But my attitude has changed.  I’ve realized that I can no longer live in a state of wishing things were different.  Because that is a place of weakness and I want to be the most powerful version of myself that I can be.  I will no longer play victim to my circumstances.

We all have some area of our life that feels ‘less than’ we had hoped.  Sometimes there are multiple areas, usually around money, relationships, looks and health.  None of us gets a pass on hardship.  Even those that look like their lives are perfect carry some type of cross, guaranteed.

The trick is, what do you make it mean?  How much do you let your perceived ‘less than’ control your life?  Do you put it front and center and filter every life experience through that broken lens?  Or do you decide to have a good life anyway?

That’s what I decided to do.  I don’t know how many years I can continue to keep my body functioning at a decent level, but the truth is, I never did.  There are no guarantees about anything.  I could let that depress me or I could live each day to my fullest capacity like the gift that it is.

Our perception drives our reality.  What will you choose to perceive?

In love and light,

Kimberly xo

Let go and get free

 

It has been a few years since I’ve written here and as I come back to this WordPress landing page, I am having a rush of memories from the time in my life when I used to post here.  SO much has changed since then and, most importantly, I have changed, from the inside out.

A huge part of this change came from all that I’ve let go, so I thought it would be interesting to make a list in black and white.  Sometimes it’s good to take inventory so you can see how far you’ve come. 🙂

First and foremost, I let go of all things toxic.  This seems like it’s not a big deal, but it actually encompasses every area of my life and is the single biggest change accelerator I could have employed.  I grouped these toxins into five big categories:

  • toxic people, neighborhoods, school systems and houses (I let go of two in the last four years.)
  • toxic food, cleaning products, toiletries, make-up, hair dye, medications
  • toxic water, air, yard weed killers and fertilizers
  • toxic habits, thought processes, expectations, routines, and work life
  • toxic spending

I could write a blog post on each of these areas, and I probably will, in time.

Along with all that, I let go of tons of stuff!  With two downsizing moves, this was inevitable, and the truth is, I’m still getting rid of things.  I’m in the process of selling some of the last pieces of furniture that wouldn’t fit into my small three bedroom.  And I’ve been going through my closet with an even more discerning eye.  I’m really liking the idea of doing a capsule wardrobe.  This will force me to distill my style but that is a process that I am well acquainted with.

You see, everything I have done in the past four years has been about distilling my life down to the essence of what I want it to look like.  Sometimes the process has been messy and painful, but it has been incredibly worth it so that I can be where I am now, which is free and emotionally and physically healthy.

Freedom is one of my core values.  In order to be free, you have to live from your truth.  You have to have space to create from.  You can’t be free if your life and body are sluggish and weighed down with toxins and stuff.  It’s a simple idea that is sometimes hard to grasp and untangle from.  And, it’s the best place to start.

I got really clear about my values as I started out four years ago and this has made all of the letting go so much easier.  I’ll talk more about core values another time, but until then, I invite you to think about what you can let go of.  It doesn’t have to be all at once. In fact, I recommend tackling just a few at a time so you don’t go into a life herx*. 🙂  If you want help getting started or putting a plan into place, you can contact me below.

 

*Herxheimer reaction: a reaction to endotoxin-like products released by the death of harmful microorganisms within the body during antibiotic treatment, resulting in systemic inflammatory response.

Transformational Life Coaching

One hour

$75.00

 

The Sweet Life

imageIt is said that Americans consume 27.5 lbs. of sugar a year, which is an alarming statistic for sure.  I often wonder how much of this consumption is tied to our emotional need to bring more sweetness into our lives.  As more and more of our time is devoted to busy-ness and less time is spent on simple pleasures that make us feel good, we find solace in a quick sugar fix that satisfies temporarily but leaves us wanting once the high wears off.

What if, every afternoon, instead of reaching for that chocolate chip cookie, we took 15 minutes to indulge in an activity we really loved?  Taking a walk outside and enjoying the flowers and sunshine, for example, or visiting travel websites to gather ideas for your next trip.  Or writing a quick email to a friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile.  Anything that gives us a feeling of satisfaction and connection will bring sweetness into our lives.  It is amazing how strong the energy boost can be from feeding our true needs. Taking time to honor ourselves in this way not only powers us through an afternoon.  It can create a habit that is sweeter than chocolate.

Mother’s Daze

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As I was dropping off my kids today at school, I was the recipient of road rage from two separate middle-aged women.  The first one was angry at me because I decided not to run a red left turn arrow.  The second one sped past me with her window down screaming GO!! when there was clearly no where for me to ‘go’.  I was following a long line of cars on a very busy street.  I wanted to say to them both, “Sweetheart, you clearly need to get a meditation/mantra practice.  Preferably one you can use in the car.”  Clearly, they were both stressed out and over-scheduled.

I am assuming these women were both moms since we had just come from the drop-off queue, so I want to offer them and all the other wonderful mothers out there a little perspective.  You have to take care of yourselves before you take care of anyone else.  I know a lot of your mouths just fell open, but bear with me and think about if any of these realities might apply to you. 1) You are with your children but you don’t hear a thing they’re saying because your mind is so focused on your to-do list for the day. 2) Your seven year old accidently knocks over a cup of juice (for the 3rd time this month) and you go ballistic because you just can’t ‘do’ one more thing.  or 3) You are at your child’s recital that you have practiced lines for for the last month but you keep zoning out and looking at your watch.  If any of these apply to you, it is obvious that you have no reserves left.  You have been so busy getting all of the kids where they need to go, with the permission slip signed and the $5.00 fee, in the right outfit, teeth brushed, hair combed, good breakfast in their stomachs that you forgot to have a life.  Of your own.

Not only that, but you forgot that you have permission to do just that.  As moms, we keep waiting for a break in the chaos to take time for ourselves, do things that feed our soul and put a smile on our face.  Things that only we take pleasure in.  But here’s a lesson I learned the hard way:  There will never be a time when there isn’t one more load of laundry or a darling child who needs something.  We have to take a stand in the middle of the chaos to carve out our own time.  Usually, whatever needs to get done can wait a little bit.

This is something I have struggled with for a long time and I have consciously been working for the past year to put a daily practice into my routine that is only for me.  It looks something like this: Wake up 30 minutes before the kids so that I have time to meditate/pray for 15-20minutes and quietly go over my goals for the day.  Practice yoga at least 2-3/wk (Yoga classes can be found at any time of the day making it easier to squeeze them in.). In the car by myself, I either listen to 80’s dance music that totally pumps me up or I listen to one of the many inspiring authors that I am interested in.  I regularly schedule in time to pursue things that interest me like concerts, art shows, nights out with my friends, lectures, massage, etc.  The point is that I build in time throughout the week for myself.  Dates on my calendar that are non-negotiable unless someone needs to go to the hospital.  And then, once a year I take a small (or big) trip without the family to get a break and gain some perspective on my life, usually in April before the crazy end of the school year crunch and looooong summer break.

You may think that there is no extra time to do these things, but I assure you, there is.  If you take a hard look at your life and all the commitments that you have said yes to without consciously deciding that it fits in with your life goals, you will see that there are pockets of time that you could re-dedicate to yourself.  And maybe your kids don’t need three extra-curricular activities each.  They will thank you for the extra time in their week to do what they want, as well.  Trust me, if I can do it with five kids, you can do it, too.

What I am telling you, dear ones, is that this is a practice.  One that I recommitted to working on, myself, at the life-coaching retreat that I just returned from.   You have to constantly calibrate your thinking to allow space for yourself in your own life.  No one else will do it for you.  And the rewards to your family and all your fellow drivers are profound. Because when you live from a place of contentment and happiness, you can’t help but have that spill over into every interaction you have with other people.  It is a gift you will give the world.

So on this Mother’s Day, I hope you will take an hour to yourself and make a plan, a new schedule, that will make yourself a priority again.  I promise, your kids will love the new you.

Travel logged

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I have to give a shout out to all the amazing fathers out there, my husband included, who empower their wives to travel frequently. There is a reason life is set up to have two parents. It’s a tag team operation.  If you’re doing it right, parenting is hard work, which is why I have to go on vacation by myself every few years to get a break. Because the only way a Mom really gets a break is if she leaves the city. And God bless my husband, he supports my need to do this on a regular basis.

I remember the first time I left him with the kids for a few days by himself. We only had two then, and they were just babies. I will never forget the look of stoic desperation in his eyes. Being the control freak that I was, I had written out pages and pages of instructions, schedules, emergency contacts, etc. As I went over the lists with him, I could tell that he had serious doubts about his abilities to fulfill his mission. I had serious doubts myself. But my need to get a break was greater than my fear, so I handed him the baby and didn’t look back. I have to say now that it was probably the best parenting move I ever made.

When I came back, the house was still standing and everyone was still alive, if not a little rough around the edges. But the first thing I noticed was that my dear husband had a quiet confidence about him. And the baby was clinging to Daddy like he was the lifeboat, something I had not witnessed before. In my absence, they had all grown closer. They had been the team that had to survive the weekend, come hell or high water. And not only had they survived, they had had fun! There were certain forbidden things you could do when Mom wasn’t around to spoil the fun! Like eat whatever you want and stay up past bedtime to watch the football game. And brushing teeth? Well, that’s just optional. My boys had bonded with Dad in a way that never would have been possible with me around.

From that time forward, my husband and I were in it together 100%. He had been a hands-on Dad from the very beginning, but there was something about knowing that he could totally do it by himself when he had to that gave our whole family a new outlook. I stopped micro-managing every little detail and let him take the lead with the kids more. The boys started going to Dad when they had problems to be solved. Our family was stronger together because we now had the perspective of what it was like to be apart.

Through the years, I have been away from my family quite a bit. There have also been many times when I have been on my own while my husband traveled. It is a good thing to get away for a while to gain insight on your life. It is good to look at your life from afar and realize that as good as it feels to not be responsible for a million things, you are still homesick for the ones you love. And that no matter how far you travel, your heart stayed at home.

Hidden Treasure

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I have always been an optimist but I have one child who is decidedly not. His mindset is, by far, one of my biggest challenges as a parent. And also, one of my greatest learning opportunities.

This dear child came into the world expecting the worst to happen in most every situation. If I cheerfully said, “You’re going to love pre-school. They have great toys and you’ll make new friends.” he’d grumpily say, “Teachers yell at you and the kid’s will take my toys.” Every conversation was point and counterpoint, but I was determined I would show him a brighter way. The opportunities were many for us to disagree. And in the beginning, that is exactly what I did. Until he was about the age of five, I fought with him about everything. Lord, the energy I wasted. I can see that now. But as is true for everything, you don’t get it until you get it.

The exact moment eludes me of when the light bulb finally turned on. Probably in the car while I was driving kids somewhere for the millionth time. But there was a point when I decided that I didn’t want to fight him anymore. All of my insistence that the world is rosy was only causing friction and negative energy between us. It was only showing him that I could never see things from his perspective, that I could only judge him and deem him wrong. This was not the basis for a good mother/son relationship.

So I let go of my need to be right. I started to put myself in his shoes and a crazy thing happened. I realized that a lot of the things he was saying were actually true. The teachers do yell. The kids do take his toys. Now we had the basis for a real conversation. “What do you think about when the teachers yell?”, I asked. And in the asking, instead of the telling, is a treasure trove of information. Turns out this kid sees a lot of things that other people miss or gloss over like I did. Things that, while not so pleasant, are important to know. Go figure.

Now, I will not claim that I love it when he’s refusing to play in the yard because a bee might sting him every day of the summer break, but I do love that he has taught me to dig deeper. I currently know way more about flying insects than I ever thought I would. And I am a better person because he has taught me to have more compassion for other people’s viewpoints, to see that there is more under the surface of each of us, even if those views are considered not so positive. This has brought me patience when random people throughout my day do things that I don’t agree with. I ask myself questions, instead of getting annoyed. “Do you think they are afraid of driving?” I ask, about the person going 40 mph in front of me on the highway. “Do you think she had a fight with her husband?” I ask, about the checkout person who just snapped at me. There is always a hidden treasure if we choose to look for it. Thank you, my little pessimist, for showing me that.